Tesla Troubles, A New Crypto Craze, & The Meta Meta.

With fears of impending tariffs (and counter-tariffs) looming over the horizon, coupled with gloomy investor expectations, and consumer sentiment at its lowest level since the summer, the conditions are a-brewing for a perfect stock market storm. However, this isn’t solely speculation - the proof is always in the pudding, whether it be from poor market performance, the rise of tech oligarchs, or my QQQ puts expiring this Friday.

Here’s a rundown of the most notable economic news this month:

The Eye of the Storm

The Federal Reserve Bank of Atlanta estimates a -2.8% change in real GDP growth for the first quarter of 2025. If accurate, this would mark the first time the US would experience negative GDP growth in nearly five years. Many economists are already beginning to wave their recessionary red flags, as by IMF definition, two or more consecutive quarters of declining GDP could indicate an economic recession. However, the effects of a recession could appear far sooner before any official announcements. In many cases, recessions aren’t called until a full year after they’ve occurred. Many officials claim this process to be a “thorough analysis of various economic factors,” although, I believe a more fitting name to be “stating the obvious”.

Is it too soon to call? Most likely. At this point, with the onslaught of incoming economic news, and last-minute executive decisions, it’s still anyone’s game. On the contrary, just like the title of a 2015 song by artist Ryan Stevenson, this may just be the “Eye of the Storm”.

The Falloff

From recent Tesla stock performance, it appears that government agencies aren’t the only place President Elon Musk has been making cuts. Between attempting to dismantle the US government, blowing up an $100 million spacecraft, and lackluster Tesla sales, Musk’s networth is crashing and burning - fairly reminiscent of SpaceX’s Starship earlier this month. With contact being lost less than 10 minutes after takeoff, without additional context, you’d think this was referring to Musk’s shaky relationship with his 12 children and one child-sized human shield (correction: 14 now).

Prior to Musk’s inauguration, Tesla was considered one of the “Top Dogs” of the Magnificent Seven - a collection of the “highest-performing” stocks in the S&P 500, including big names such as NVIDIA and Meta. With Tesla stock surging over 50% the month post-election, and nearly 100% by mid-December 2024, Musk became the richest man on the planet - and by a long shot. At his peak, Musk was worth a staggering $486 billion in December of last year, composing nearly 0.2% of global assets. If for sale, Musk could’ve purchased two of his very own Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos for the low price of $502 billion, given he once again convinces Fidelity to lend him billions of dollars for the acquisition.

Following his recent antics, the 47th President is only worth a measly $301 billion, as reported by the Bloomberg Billionaires Index. This could foot the bill if Musk decided to purchase every NFL & NBA team, worth a total of $150 billion, and still have over half his net worth remaining. Albeit, Musk isn’t the only one experiencing money problems. And this isn’t about the hundreds of thousands of workers eyed for cuts by Musk’s Department of Government Efficiency. Investors worldwide have seen their post-election gains wiped out, including cryptocurrency, which saw a massive sell-off after the announcement of a Strategic Bitcoin Reserve.

Many cold wallets quickly turned to spare change as coin prices plunged to pre-election levels. Michael Saylor, CEO of Bitcoin-buying & beloved Wall Street Bets company, Microstrategy, shared his two cents advocating for the Bitcoin Reserve. Saylor claims the US Treasury could generate upwards of $81 trillion from their acquisition of Bitcoin, a number, that much like the price of popular cryptocurrencies, could only be pulled out of thin air. Yet, this is wholly unsurprising coming from a man whose innovative business model revolves around borrowing money to buy Bitcoin, and when all else fails, committing fraud (no, seriously). The recent crash only proves that crypto “investors’” understanding of the decentralized system goes beyond technology, and into opinions of the perfect time to “buy the dip” (or more importantly, which one to buy).

On the other side of the coin, the S&P 500 is down over 5%, the DJI only -2.3%, and the NASDAQ down a hefty 9.6% year-to-date. The worst performers? Tech behemoths NVIDIA, Google, and you guessed it, Tesla, are all negative, with -7%, -10%, and a whopping -27.5% respectively. Despite being the market’s “biggest loser,” Musk may have to try a different approach to his Impractical-Jokers style punishment to stabilize his image, Tesla shares, and flimsy rockets.

However, it seems the real winner is former alien, frequent Musk rival, and current tech CEO, Mark Zuckerberg, with Meta stock having the only positive price change in the Mag Seven this year. At an increase of 14% year-to-date, Zuckerberg’s carefully-crafted ruse to convince investors, the public, and his wife, that he is in fact a human being, appears to have worked wonders. Following Zuck’s seemingly random switch-up in style and discography, Meta shares rose 50% from August 2024 to February 2025. He’s stolen your data, the idea for Facebook, and the hearts of portfolio managers worldwide. With his gold chain, permed hair, and laid-back vibes, it’s only a matter of time before he steals your girl next.